And My Journey Thru' Breast Cancer
Whenever Chloe falls ill – I feel like an incompetent mom – I feel that I could have done better. I wished I could keep her away from falling sick and puking and having a fever – and it worries me to death – I can’t sleep well at night when she is ill. But she is an awesome kid – when she is sick – she is not cranky or anything – she just wants to sleep.
I looked back at some of the photos that I had taken of PB – and there are so many that he never really had a smile on him – besides the ones – from when we first got together. The pictures we took then were genuine smile – happy ones – but after being together for so many years – the smiles weren’t real anymore. I don’t really know if he is unhappy or what? but for sure I know it isn’t easy for him either as it is not for me. As much as I want to go home and bitch about it all the time – it must not be easy for him to keep hearing me nag about it all the time and making him feel like he failed me.
But when I nag and long for home it wasn’t meant to make him feel bad or that he failed me – but because I need him to know that I really need to make a trip home. 11 yrs is a long time – to not go home for a break. I know it’s not easy because of the business and all and we are just getting caught up and starting to make bigger plans for our future – and our trip back home – may put us right back from the start – I know all that. Therefore – PB really needs to let me make trip to the city – else it’s just gonna drive me nuts – not even having frozen dim sum!
This picture was taken during the weekend – and this smile was the one I recognized from when we first got together. I guess it was a happy weekend for us – even though we didn’t make it up the city – but at least we shopped and visited the Leblanc’s and he did everything that I want. I hope to see PB smile like that all the time too – but I do miss home and especially the food. *shrug* So if you think the other side is greener – think again.
They say that there is an angel inside every brat – hahah! and yes she can be an angel when she is out with us. But when she is at the store and I start talking with a customer – whether it is for work or for pleasure – she will start her nonsense and wants attention immediately. Yup! last week she started crying her eyes out because I was chatting with a customer for 10 mins. PB had to go to the back of the store and gave her a talking to. But when she is out – shopping or eating – she is an angel – she would draw – she would read – and eat her food – and never once try her nonsense. People would come up to us and tell us what a well-behaved kid we have – and we would reply – you haven’t seen the other side of her yet – the evil one – muahahah!! But whatever she is – we love her – but mannnn!!! the attitude had to change at the store – else someone is going to be staying home after school.
It’s so cold for the last one week – we had to get oil put into the furnace and fired up the furnace today. Winter seems to be coming too soon this year – so i started reading more on glucosamine chondroitin msm – because I have mild arthritis. I think it is because after having Chloe – I never really did the 30 days confinement since I’m all alone in Canada. I had told PB about the confinement – and I had also told PB’s mother about the food that I needed to eat during the 30 days – but I guess they just don’t practice it. So whenever the weather start changing – cold like now – my bones hurt – not pain – but really sore. The price to pay eh – for migrating to such a cold place. If I could turn the clock back – I would want PB to go to Singapore and migrate there instead after all, my health is just as important as his career right?
I asked PB – the other day – why do you think people migrate? is it because they think it’s better quality of life? or a change of life? or is it love? or better future – as they call it – as in better work environment and better opportunity? I’ve often been emailed by people from all over the world asking about the quality of life in Canada and how do one get migrated to Canada? Can you find jobs easily?
These are just a few questions I’ve been asked pretty often – what they also failed to ask is the weather, the food! the people acceptance of someone from another country. I too, never thought about this – when I first arrived in Canada. For me – it’s all in the name of love – after having Chloe – i didn’t feel it was right – to move her back to Singapore – because she has grandparents and extended family here. I am hoping to give her a “real” family – alas, we work too much and so does her grandparents. The extended family we rarely see – nor keep in touch – because they have their own life and so do we. I don’t have many friends here and those that I’ve come to call friends – are actually customers of the store that turned into friends. I can’t just up and take a public transport here for a quarter and head for the mall – because public transport is only one bus – and it cost like $2 to take a ride to designated spots. Cab rides are expensive – and even if it was a 5 minutes ride – it would cost me $6.50 – which I’m too el cheapo to pay. So I wait for PB to be available to send me to the mall – which is usually in a hurry to get the necessities.
We haven’t gone to the city for months now – because the store is so busy – and to think of going home – without some trustworthy help – is almost impossible. The winter is long here – and if you are thinking of looking for a job here – that might be better than home – you have to really think long and hard. Depending on where you are from – yes ! some jobs could be better – but then you are also giving up on your food and all sorts of entertainment that you can get cheap back home. There are pros and cons of course in everything – the grass is not always greener on the other side. My advice to anyone who wants to migrate – is to make sure you can get the kind of food you need in the province you are staying in. Be prepared to wait for a job as long as a year – and make sure you have family and friends around you or nearby. Unlike myself, I have no one to turn to – except PB – when I was ill or needed help with Chloe. So yes! having Asian family and friends nearby is very important – and so is the food.
So we had planned to leave for the city yesterday and then head back today – but nope we didn’t go – because the rain came – and I didn’t want PB to drive in the rain – scary. But yes – we wanted to start shopping for xmas gift now – else we would not get what we want for the people we want to share Christmas with. I know you must be saying – Christmas shopping already??? but if you know us – and how busy we get during Christmas time – there is just no way to get out to the city when it draws nearer to Christmas. We were so busy – that when I was having Chloe in December some 6 year ago – I wished we could postponed the delivery date – hahahah!!! So yes! we are going to attempt to go up the city again soon – Christmas shopping this year – is going to be early !
Like I said before Facebook is a pretty awesome thing – you can find some people that you’ve known in the past and get in touch with them again. But do all of us wanna get in touch with the past? I saw some of my church friends on FB a few days ago – from during my teenage years and was tempted to get in contact with them again. But after reading their profile I decided not to – because they are still very strong in going to church and every word that comes out from there mouth would be – “Praise the Lord!”. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against people attending church and all and I do believe in God. But i’m not the same person I was some 30 yrs ago – and follow the word and His way that much.
There are just some things in the past – that are better left in the past – like I once said. My so-called “bestie” from church some 30 yrs ago – moved to Ohio – and when i asked her which part of Ohio – she replied “ohio” – and she never once wrote to me – when she was there. So I’m guessing although I treated her like a “bestie” she didn’t feel the same for me when i was a kid. So should I write her a message? will she think that i’m stalking her? hahahahha!!! nah ! i rather not stalk anyone – just knowing that they are well is good enough for me eh.
Chloe is a fish eater – but she refuses to eat salmon because it is not white in color. We all know that salmon is the best kind of fish to eat and I won’t fry the salmon – because I don’t like frying. I usually bake my fish – and wished she would eat some good fish instead of fish and chips. But nope – she refuses to eat my baked salmon – but when we order fish and chips – no problems at all – in fact – these days she eats more fish – than she did a year ago. What a strange little girl right?
We can see lots of changes in Chloe this year – this year – she is reading a lot more and recognizing a lot more words than we thought she did. When we go to the mall – she would try to read stuff that are on the sign – and is even able to read greeting cards. Very impressive indeed! the teachers from last year and this year – had done a great job with Chloe i’ll have to say. We are keeping our fingers and toes crossed – so far she is enjoying school very much and don’t want to miss school at all.
As I sit and watch the video on the eulogies read by Mrs Lee’s family and then the one by MM Lee and his farewell – when they were saying their last goodbye – MM Lee kissed Mrs Lee twice before moving away from the coffin sadly – it really touched me deeply. How many can have a relationship like our MM Lee and Mrs Lee? I envy and I feel really, really sad for MM Lee – must be a huge lost to him – losing his confidante, counsel and life-long partner.
Mrs Lee was an extraordinary woman – I don’t think a lot of woman today – can measure up to her. Like MM Lee said without Mrs Lee – he wouldn’t be the man he is today – and maybe, just maybe – Singapore wouldn’t be where it is today either. But what i respect most – was how Mrs Lee not only held her own career, helped MM Lee and still was the best mother and grandmother for her family and even took care of our present PM’s kids when their mother past away.
I reflect on my own relationship – and even though I am not in Singapore – and migrated to Canada for more than 10 years now – I still keep a very close eye and tab on what’s going on in Singapore. I love my Singapore and I don’t want to give up my citizenship if I can help it. There are lots of one can learn from Mrs Lee and one of them is “quiet”. Yes ! I have to learn to be “quiet”. Farewell, Mrs Lee – you will always be my inspiration and I will always remember you.