And My Journey Thru' Breast Cancer
Whenever Chloe falls ill – I feel like an incompetent mom – I feel that I could have done better. I wished I could keep her away from falling sick and puking and having a fever – and it worries me to death – I can’t sleep well at night when she is ill. But she is an awesome kid – when she is sick – she is not cranky or anything – she just wants to sleep.
I looked back at some of the photos that I had taken of PB – and there are so many that he never really had a smile on him – besides the ones – from when we first got together. The pictures we took then were genuine smile – happy ones – but after being together for so many years – the smiles weren’t real anymore. I don’t really know if he is unhappy or what? but for sure I know it isn’t easy for him either as it is not for me. As much as I want to go home and bitch about it all the time – it must not be easy for him to keep hearing me nag about it all the time and making him feel like he failed me.
But when I nag and long for home it wasn’t meant to make him feel bad or that he failed me – but because I need him to know that I really need to make a trip home. 11 yrs is a long time – to not go home for a break. I know it’s not easy because of the business and all and we are just getting caught up and starting to make bigger plans for our future – and our trip back home – may put us right back from the start – I know all that. Therefore – PB really needs to let me make trip to the city – else it’s just gonna drive me nuts – not even having frozen dim sum!
This picture was taken during the weekend – and this smile was the one I recognized from when we first got together. I guess it was a happy weekend for us – even though we didn’t make it up the city – but at least we shopped and visited the Leblanc’s and he did everything that I want. I hope to see PB smile like that all the time too – but I do miss home and especially the food. *shrug* So if you think the other side is greener – think again.
I asked PB – the other day – why do you think people migrate? is it because they think it’s better quality of life? or a change of life? or is it love? or better future – as they call it – as in better work environment and better opportunity? I’ve often been emailed by people from all over the world asking about the quality of life in Canada and how do one get migrated to Canada? Can you find jobs easily?
These are just a few questions I’ve been asked pretty often – what they also failed to ask is the weather, the food! the people acceptance of someone from another country. I too, never thought about this – when I first arrived in Canada. For me – it’s all in the name of love – after having Chloe – i didn’t feel it was right – to move her back to Singapore – because she has grandparents and extended family here. I am hoping to give her a “real” family – alas, we work too much and so does her grandparents. The extended family we rarely see – nor keep in touch – because they have their own life and so do we. I don’t have many friends here and those that I’ve come to call friends – are actually customers of the store that turned into friends. I can’t just up and take a public transport here for a quarter and head for the mall – because public transport is only one bus – and it cost like $2 to take a ride to designated spots. Cab rides are expensive – and even if it was a 5 minutes ride – it would cost me $6.50 – which I’m too el cheapo to pay. So I wait for PB to be available to send me to the mall – which is usually in a hurry to get the necessities.
We haven’t gone to the city for months now – because the store is so busy – and to think of going home – without some trustworthy help – is almost impossible. The winter is long here – and if you are thinking of looking for a job here – that might be better than home – you have to really think long and hard. Depending on where you are from – yes ! some jobs could be better – but then you are also giving up on your food and all sorts of entertainment that you can get cheap back home. There are pros and cons of course in everything – the grass is not always greener on the other side. My advice to anyone who wants to migrate – is to make sure you can get the kind of food you need in the province you are staying in. Be prepared to wait for a job as long as a year – and make sure you have family and friends around you or nearby. Unlike myself, I have no one to turn to – except PB – when I was ill or needed help with Chloe. So yes! having Asian family and friends nearby is very important – and so is the food.
Like I said before Facebook is a pretty awesome thing – you can find some people that you’ve known in the past and get in touch with them again. But do all of us wanna get in touch with the past? I saw some of my church friends on FB a few days ago – from during my teenage years and was tempted to get in contact with them again. But after reading their profile I decided not to – because they are still very strong in going to church and every word that comes out from there mouth would be – “Praise the Lord!”. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against people attending church and all and I do believe in God. But i’m not the same person I was some 30 yrs ago – and follow the word and His way that much.
There are just some things in the past – that are better left in the past – like I once said. My so-called “bestie” from church some 30 yrs ago – moved to Ohio – and when i asked her which part of Ohio – she replied “ohio” – and she never once wrote to me – when she was there. So I’m guessing although I treated her like a “bestie” she didn’t feel the same for me when i was a kid. So should I write her a message? will she think that i’m stalking her? hahahahha!!! nah ! i rather not stalk anyone – just knowing that they are well is good enough for me eh.
As I sit and watch the video on the eulogies read by Mrs Lee’s family and then the one by MM Lee and his farewell – when they were saying their last goodbye – MM Lee kissed Mrs Lee twice before moving away from the coffin sadly – it really touched me deeply. How many can have a relationship like our MM Lee and Mrs Lee? I envy and I feel really, really sad for MM Lee – must be a huge lost to him – losing his confidante, counsel and life-long partner.
Mrs Lee was an extraordinary woman – I don’t think a lot of woman today – can measure up to her. Like MM Lee said without Mrs Lee – he wouldn’t be the man he is today – and maybe, just maybe – Singapore wouldn’t be where it is today either. But what i respect most – was how Mrs Lee not only held her own career, helped MM Lee and still was the best mother and grandmother for her family and even took care of our present PM’s kids when their mother past away.
I reflect on my own relationship – and even though I am not in Singapore – and migrated to Canada for more than 10 years now – I still keep a very close eye and tab on what’s going on in Singapore. I love my Singapore and I don’t want to give up my citizenship if I can help it. There are lots of one can learn from Mrs Lee and one of them is “quiet”. Yes ! I have to learn to be “quiet”. Farewell, Mrs Lee – you will always be my inspiration and I will always remember you.
Yes! rather than sitting and playing online mahjong to exercise the brain – i figured i would do 15 mins of step aerobics to see if my headache would go this morning. I only get to exercise after chloe sleeps at night – and sometimes – like last night she didn’t sleep till almost 10.35pm. So by the time, I am ready to exercise – it’s like 10.45pm – I’m tired and stressed out then. But exercising in the morning – doesn’t mean I am going to give up on the night exercise – it only means that I’m trying to get in as much as I can – since I love my food so much. I figured it’s better than just sitting for hours – after all, I already sit for the entire day.
When I was much younger – my school used to make us do community service – to instill compassion in us ? I think anyway. So we would visit the blind – the orphanage – the old age home, I used to raise funds for these homes too and enjoyed it tremendously. Now that Chloe is in school, her school too brings her to visit the senior’s home – they don’t called it the old age home here. Chloe would come home and asked us why certain people are sick and why are they sick – how are they sick – when did they get sick. What is cancer? yes! lots of questions – and we all know that you can’t just give a flippant answer – for they are way smarter than we were – when we were kids.
But how do you tell a 6.5 yrs old about illness and pain and why they are in the senior’s home and not at home with their family? Yes! lots of tricky questions here and to be answered carefully – that’s for sure. After reading some parental guide magazines – I’ve decided to read up more on these illnesses before talking with Chloe about it. I’m also to keep it simple and be honest about it and be prepared for more questions – and if I didn’t know about it – I’m to be honest about it too. So wish me luck! what about you ? you come across any difficult questions yet? we have had quite a few of late – kids are really way smarter than we were – when we were kids. hahah!
Like any parent – I’m a bit paranoid – if I cannot see Chloe – even at the store. She may be at a corner playing by herself when our store is full – and I would panic. Are you this way? I know I am a helicopter mom and also have anxiety problems – but even with security camera at our store – as soon as I don’t see her – I would panic.
While other parents let their child run around the park freely – I keep a very close eyes on Chloe and she cannot go behind trees or the huge garbage bins they have in the park. But like all kids – they like to do their “own” stuff with other kids. So i figured – getting a child locator may be a good investment for me. At least I don’t have to worry when I bring her home to Singapore – as the mall is a lot more crowded than they are here. I can’t hang a security camera on her – but I can certainly put a tiny locator on her dress or jeans all the time right? what do you think? good idea eh? I really think that getting it will give me a peace of mind – and like my oldest friend said – if money can solve a problem – then it’s no longer a problem.
I don’t like to scream, shout or raise my voice at Chloe – never been my style and I hope never will be. But like many parents – there comes a time – when we “do” raise our voices and scream at our child – after all we are only human. But I also read that there is the “good” kind of patience and the “bad” kind of patience – now that stumped me a little – isn’t being patience all good? apparently not!
So I quote from what I read – Good patience involves providing your child with time to complete tasks within their developmental abilities – unquote. So in other words – when you expect your child to do something – you have to give them enough time to make mistakes, fail and start all over again. Have the patience to let them do it right on their own – in other words – don’t be a helicopter mom like ME! hahahha!!
Ok the bad patience – getting your child to do the things you want them to do – may seems like good parenting and that you taught them well to the public – but like any good parents – a normal child will sometimes resist and they have their own thoughts over certain matters especially when they get older. It may seems at that time that ignoring the tantrums or resistance is good patient but it’s not. Yelling usually comes with resistance – but it doesn’t really work for me – because I feel absolutely bad after the yelling sessions. So what do you do? listen! listen to your child – work with her. Chloe likes that we help her to clean up – she doesn’t like doing it on her own – she feels bad when I get mad and clean up everything on my own. But I’ve learned to compromise – and help her to clean up – slowly but surely I feel she will know that she will have to clean up on her own. See the big picture – that was what i read. What about you? do you have good patience or bad patience?
When I used to work for the hote industry and traveled because of work – I had my health insurance covered by them – so I wasn’t worried at all – should anything happen to me while I was traveling. But migrating overseas – thinking that my health plan is covered by MSI – I never thought of any health insurance till recently. Unlike my best friend in the States – who has health insurance in nc, I am unable to get massage for my anxiety attacks which was recommended by my psychologist yesterday. So if you are migrating overseas – make sure you have a health plan – even though you may not have anxiety attacks like I do – you never know what would your health be in a few years. I don’t know if i can still get a health insurance plan now – but I’m going try.